bryan

Sun, 22 May 2005 02:51:22 GMT

had prom last night. over rated and def. a waste of money. i didnt have that much fun, atleast no one said shit to me, i thought for sure someone would say something. jordan had fun which i guess is all that matters cuz hes really the only one that wanted to go. i just went cuz he wanted to...not a good idea. but he had fun. im not sure what im doing with him. i dont think were gonna end up lasting to much longer, he can do wayyy better. i had to get up at like 7 this morning too cuz we had to finish a baseball game that we started a few weeks ago. we won after like one inning. yeah jordan decided to get some other guys number yesterday, which happened to be the same guy i like. i wasnt to happy with that. i think he'l end up dumping me pretty soon. sooo :/ yeah its bound to happen eventually.
i finally got a job today. i called to set up an interview earlier today then went in today and the guy was like so when could you work. i was like i should be ok on the weekends then during the summer i can work during the week. hes like hmm so when could you start. i was like as soon as i can. and hes like alright come in next saturday. i was like ha seriously. it was awsome like a ten minute interview, if that. that was nice. no idea how much ill be making but even if its minimum i need money so thats fine. yeah not sure what else to write so ima end it here.

Sun, 15 May 2005 02:58:23 GMT

hello everyone. im going to prom this friday, cant wait. picked out my tux today, better be in on thursday. so i hung out with jordan today. it wasnt great but just being around him is always good. we were supposed to golf but decided to skip that and just go to the driving range. he smokes too much i hate that and some of the things he says dont make me feel to good about "us." it was nice to be with him. my mom wants him to eat over sometime this week so my rents can meet him.
so what else has happened since i last updated....hmmm well we finnaly won a baseball game, i pitched the whole game that was cool. i got in a fight with my dad, pretty bad one. he had me crying three times and still wouldnt let up. i wanted to hit him really bad. but the rents went somewhere this weekend. not sure where or why but they arent home which is nice cept i hate being alone but idk its nice not having to put up with their crap. so yeah i think thats about it. i shall update when something remotely exciting happens or im just bored and have nothing else to do. til then have a good whatever.
bry

Sun, 08 May 2005 18:37:08 GMT

so i hung out with jordan again last night. i had a lot of fun. we went to the driving range and the batting cages then went to the mall for a little bit. and we talked about some stuff that was nice. so i guess were going out now. im happy. just sucks that he lives like 40 minutes away, but ill survive. baseball team still hasnt won yet, we sucks really bad which is annoying. three games next week. thats really about it nothing exciting. so yeah hope ya'll are doing alright, sucks like everyone i know is sick, but not me yet anyway. later
bry

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 17:51:51 GMT

last night was great. i guess ill bore you with details cuz i have nothing else to do. so um i had practice, there was three people there, so after i had to rush to get to where i was meeting jordan, i got there like a half hour late. so i was driving around the parking lot feeling like a loser cuz i couldnt find him. then i parking and sat there for a bit and was gonna call someone on a pay phone, just to talk to em. but as i was going to go to the phone he pulled in. i didnt think he was gonna show. but he did. i guess his car got pretty fucked up thursday so he had to bum a ride there. so i had to drive. so we went down town and parked, which took a while to find a spot. but then we just walked around for a bit. and went into a few stores, it was cool. he bought me a bracelet. i like it its cute. and i stole a finger trap thingy, its cool. he was looking at it then flung it outside and he actually hit some girl with it, but he no idea where it went. so when we left it was right outside the door so i grapped it. yeah im bad ass i know. so we walked and talked for a while. just small talk but it was nice. then we finally decided to get dinner. and went to this restaruant. it was fun. he got nachos and i got a burger nothing special but it was good. so we ended up giving the waitress a 60 cent tip. that was bad but funny. so after that we went and sat down outside and just watched people and talked. i met a few of his friends to, they're cool and funny. so we all just talked and stuff he gave me his jacket cuz i was cold. that was really nice. so about 1020 we figured that we should prolly leave. so we headed back to the car. hes really fun and talks to like everyone which is embarassing but really cool. so i had to bring him home cuz he didnt have a ride. he lived like 15, 20 minutes a way or something like that. and i was supposed to be home by 11. so i dropped him off and had to call my dad to tell him i was gonna be late, obviosly cuz it was already past 11. it was a really nice night. so guess what happened to me on the way home, i got pulled over. didnt get a ticket or a warning or anything, but i guess the guy thought i was drinking. i obviosly wasnt cuz i dont do that stuff. but yeah i wasnt speeding which was good. he scared the crap outta me though. i had no idea he was behind me. but anyways. i had fun. the only bad thing was sometimes when he saw someone he knew, i like disappeared. that sucked. but what can ya do. hed just like talk to them for like ten minutes and id just stand there feeling like a loser. but idef. had a good time. so yeah i got home like at almost midnight, an hour later then i was supposed to be home. so that wasnt good. but yeah. so i might be golfing with him and one of his friends tom, but i dont think my dadl let me. and i got some other stuff ima have to do too, that bastard. but yeah thats about it. i was supposed to hang out with someone today but thats apparently not happening, no surprise really...but disappointing i was looking forward to it. but live goes on. so thats about it for now.
bry

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 01:52:20 GMT

so im going on a date friday night. mad nervous. idk. gah idk what to do right now...i have a bunch of energy but its like 10.
bry

Sat, 23 Apr 2005 22:08:35 GMT

im actually happy. i think that i might have met someone thats actually interested. i dk but i hoping things work out. but thats really all i dare right in here. and yes its all true. so thats it for now.
bry

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 20:05:24 GMT

so today was a pretty long day and if it wasnt for someone im not sure i woulda made it. it started out alright then got wicked bad then ended half decent. i was actually crying today, like a lot. that was sad. so yeah ive just been reallly thinking about some stuff one thing inparticular. its pretty embarassing that im even thinking about it but im seriously thinking about it. and im really convinced myself but im not positive this is what i want. i mean i know i want it but im not sure if its something i should be doing/thinking? i dk im soo confused. i hate this so thats about it before i lose it here.
bry

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 03:18:22 GMT

not sure whether today was a good or a bad day. i know it def. wasnt way one way or the other. just kinda one of those in between days. had a couple of good things and a few bad and one that kinda just happened but is best for all those involved. went and filed out a few more job applications again which sucked, i hate doing it like HATE. but i need the money so if i get a job obviously that would be good. had baseball practice this morning at 10. not really having fun with it...so far kinda sucks idk. not really in a great mood right now but not in a bad one either. been thinking about a couple of things lately one thats really been getting to me. but hopefully im gonna talk to someone about it that im hoping will be able to help me out a lil?? i dunno. really lost there on that one. i need to get a life. thats about it for now
bry

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 22:53:45 GMT

not much to write about. baseball isnt going great but its alright. were still in the gym and are probably gonna be in for a while to come. and im getting fat. hang out with someone yesterday that was awsome. had a lot of fun hopefully ill be able to again sometime soon. thats like my life right there for ya....wake up school go home do nothing practice then home then sleep...thats my day in a nut shell. i think im failling chemistry w/e dont even care which isnt good cuz if i fail im off the baseball team and my parents do some serious ass whooping round here. career day today, major waste of time. ida rather had real classes, weird i know. anyone not doing anything at some point of the weekend that wouldnt mind hanging out?? even for like an hour??? well thats about it
bry

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 20:57:27 GMT

so yeah today was gonna be a good day. but then i got up. school was really stupid, as usual. i cant stand people right now. then stuff that i was hoping was gonna happen didnt, which is ok. i didnt expect it was gonna so i wasnt really thinking about to much, well i was a lot but didnt think it was gonna happen, so i didnt hold my breath. but i just hate it cuz this shit always happens. no biggie tho atleast there was a reason, so thats kinda good i guess. and its really probably better this way but im gonna get into it. and theres a lot on my mind none of which i want to really talk about right now. so ill shut up. so todays just another wasted day of my life :-) . cant ever have enough of em right
bry

I hate this feeling. The feeling of wanting to be so much more, but never having the ability to be

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 16:14:53 GMT

some more shit:

Going crazy
Slowly fading.
And now he’s gone forever.
“he said he wouldn’t.”
how could you be so blind?
He said what he could
To shut you up,
To make you forget
And leave him alone.
But under the lie
He was slowly fading
And letting it all slip away.

He gave up,
Couldn’t take it.
Felt deserted,
All alone.
Despite what he said,
He needed you.
But you were gone.
As he was fading;
Slowly fading,
And letting it all slip away.

He’d had enough;
He was all fed up.
Everyday his thoughts
Came closer to reality.
Soon they stopped being and became dreams,
Not dreams but plans
For what must be done.
They controlled him;
Made him crazy.
And he slowly fading;
Letting it all slip away.

Until the day his
Thoughts, dreams
And plans became real.
He woke that morning, alone.
Like every other day.
But he’d had enough.
No one to talk too,
Nothing to say.
He knew what to do,
And did it.
Now he’s gone forever.
He let it all slip away.

everything im dying to tell you is everything i wish you'd say...

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 15:58:05 GMT

here some of my stupid shit:

Tomorrow will be better,
He makes himself believe.
It’s the only way he’ll make it,
Through another day.
Tomorrow will be better,
But it only ever gets worse.
And by night he’s there again,
Knife in hand,
Trying not to lose himself.
Although he’s nearly lost.
Tomorrow will be better
But worse and worse it gets.

The voice inside tells me to back down and forget.
So I do. I try to move on so I don’t regret.
But I know that al will be remembered tomorrow.
No matter how good my day, it always ends in sorrow.
It ends with the metal barrel against my head.
Trying to figure out how not to end up dead.
But each day gets harder to forget, closer to regret.
Ending the sorrow, if not today then tomorrow.
Steel to my head. BANG I’m fucking dead.
~About goddamn time too

so if you havent guessed im not having a good day. im sick of like everything and just dont care about anything. i almost brought a knife today, but didnt. should of tho. but it doesnt matter im to much of a pussy to do anything, dont have the balls. so ive been thinking to much, as usual. and i really wanna hurt myself but idk. w/e i got counseling in a few hours today. prolly a good thing even though im not gonna end up telling him shit. im soo tired which prolly doesnt help anything. im just pissed many at myself but i havent done anything so who knows? thats about enough of this stupid shit ill just think about it for a while. so hope ya'l had a good easter and shit.
bry

it's not who you are, but what you dont become that hurts.

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 00:56:30 GMT

baseball starts tomorrow so ill actually be doing something excpect sitting on my ass and eating. and i dont think ill be updating to much or even be on. just sick of everything thats going on and stuff. just when you think things might actually be getting better something happens and you realize that they're actually worse...the story of my life. i just cant take this anymore. i just cant handle being me. the stupid stuff i do always have to ruin everything. so im sorry to anyone ive hurt recently, and theres way more then one...but theres one in particular. and im being an asshole to her and she didnt do anything and doesnt deserve to have to put up with me, no one should. so im sorry and ok fuck this...briee im sorry ive been an ass and you didnt do anything. im not mad at you i just want you to be happy. and i hope that everything works out with you n tim and your amazing. and im just sorry for everything, i shouldnt have even started this in the first place. keep your head up you have so much going for ya and theres nothing wrong with your nose. you wont have to put up with to much of me anymore i promise. im sorry. bye all.

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 02:59:20 GMT

went out for breakfast at 830 with someone. but i dont think they really cared, i had fun so i guess thats all that matters. then second job interview, that was alright. there were three other people in there taking a test thing that i took after, so idk. i need money so i need a job but i dont really want to work cause im lazy. and this way i can save up some money and go somewhere over the summer, but that probably wont happen. so yeah its a friday night and im home as usual not doing anything. but its all good cause i dont really wanna do anything.
so my parents decided they were gonna flip out at me today. that was nice. i had "attitude" which i kinda did but if my mom wouldnt ask me the same freaking question five times in a row getting the same answer everytime maybe i wouldnt give her attitude. but anyways my dad comes practically running in from the living room and hits me like five times. i dont know if he was trying to hurt me or what cause he really didnt. i was actually laughing at him. so then he wacked my of the side of my head, that hurt more then the punches. and hes like laugh again...i actually did, couldnt help it hes such a retard when hes mad i cant help but laugh...anyways he didnt do anything. so then my moms like you need to get off the chat line if you cant communicate with us you cant talk to anyone else. i like wtf? yeah thats cool but w/e then i had a lecture on how i need to shape up and change my attitude and all that crap. but w/e screw em. i sooo wanted to hit my dad back but didnt dare cuz then he probably would have broken some part of my body. but w/e im gonna get outta here soon enough. thats it for now
bry

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 20:21:53 GMT

so i wrote this at school cause...idk i just wanted to cause i felt like getting stuff out and figured what the hell ill put it in here. warning its boring and stupid.

so its over finally. i always do this and im stupid. i knew this would happen cause im a fucking moron. i told myself i would let this happen, but im so stupid i just find a way to screw up. i always do. and things really arent messed up cause there never was anything really to mess up. im always trying to get more. pushing people too far most of the time. i just cant be happy with what i have. i knew id feel like this, i knew id do this, and i knew it would end up like this and yet i still let myself be stupid and i hate myself because i always do this shit. and every time i know im gonna end up doing it. i fucking hate it. im not mad at because of what i did and said but im mad i put myself in the situation, knowing what the outcome would be. and for actually thinking i had a chance. who was i kidding?? but if i wasnt so selfish this would be a good thing, so she wouldnt have to go through this crap anymore. its only gonna make things better for her. and i am sorry for all the crap i said, did, and put you through. but look on the bright side you wont have to worry about it happening anymore. so please dont hate me for what i did and what im doing. no matter what ill always love you, always.

so thats it. im doing alright. interview in about an hour and dont care. i dont want to work so if i dont get the job good. but im stopping this boring crap now.

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 04:33:43 GMT

so its 11:27 and im updating cuz i cant sleep. not even remotely tired. it sucks. and i just found this pen next to my keyboard, its awsome. umm im def. stealin it from who ever's it is. so i figured that some things arent worth it. there not worth putting others through, more like draging others through. but im not going into that. i just wanna like get im my car right now and drive away as far away from here as i can get. as far away from everyone and all this shit and just never look back and start over new. and not have to put up with this crap or people...or anything for that matter. thats it

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 22:21:26 GMT

dont really have much to say. today was uneventful as usual, just how i like it. i got dismissed for a couple of periods and went out to lunch and some other stuff. gave someone a ride home after school. that was nice dont really get to talk to her much anymore so that was good. baseball starts monday, i cant wait. ill actually be doing something again, wohoo. and i have a shop interview tom and basketball banquet, both are at 5. no biggie. i need money. almost out. i finally started recording some of my songs, its about time. still got a long ways to go but gotta start somewhere. prolly gonna go to the gym again and play some basketball. i wish something worth writing about would happen to me, but nothing yet. im sure this is boring, but its my life. what do you look for in a guy/girl? wow im bored so i guess thatl be it for the moment.
bry

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 01:16:41 GMT

today was a looong day. had a headache all day but thats ok. still in a relatively good mood. atleast compared to my normal day. so im trying not to care about some things and be all tough and tell myself i dont care whenever something happens. but i do and it hurts lying to yourself. but it kinda works. im slowly starting not to, but i still do sooo much. so yea after school i came home and went online and was talking to someone and they said they were stuck at school with no ride, so me being a nice guy said id pick her up. and the school is like 20 minutes away. so i get there and find her and shes like "where ya been?" so i told her i dont live near by. shes like "i thought you were gonna be here sooner. i called my sister." i was like wtf!?!?!? so she tried to call her sis and tell her she was all set, but her sis didnt pick up. so i came back home. all for nothing. like they say nice guys finish last. that kinda pissed me off but its not like i woulda been doing anything else anyways. so our tvs messed up so i watched a movie, the village. stupidest movie EVER. im glad i didnt see it in a movie theater...waste of money. even though it cost more to buy it, so maybe i should have gone and saw it? or is it i should have gone and seen it?? idk? i went to the gym yesterday and just played bball for like an hour and a half. that was nice, i miss it soo much. on the way there there was a pretty old lady standing on the side of the road. she was just standing ther, didnt move. so on the way home, almost two hours later, she was still there same place and still didnt move. that was freaky. i guess shes like always there, kinda sad really. so yeah thats about it. l8r (you like my gansterness)
bry

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 20:43:54 GMT

well i got home like a half hour ago and im in a scary good mood. see im not usually so this is a big deal for me. i cant remember the last time i felt this good. i drove home and went down some back roads and just checked out the scenery. i was gonna go over a bridge/dam thingy but the lake was still covered with snow and ice. i was a little disappointed i was hoping it wouldnt be so i could see the reflection of all the snow on the tress and stuff, but no luck there. oh well. so anyways on the way home i saw like a hawk or something it was like near the sun it was really cool. but i couldnt find it again :-( . but that made me smile, then at the same exact moment a song came on that i havent heard in forever that i used to like. that was awsome. so school was school, not much to say there. didnt do anything really just the usual. so ummmmm dont know what to say. i didnt fall asleep til like 330-4. then got up at 6. i was just staring at the stars for what seemed like an eternity. then watched tv for a while. then eventually fell asleep. maybe i should only get 2 hours of sleep cuz im like in an unbelievably good mood. so ummm yeah thats about it.
bry

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 02:24:43 GMT

soo today was a looong day. didnt do a whole lot. filed out like seven applications for jobs around. dunno if ill get any but i hope so. had a pretty nice chat with someone that i havent talked to in forever. it was nice. makes me feel bad cuz of so much i missed with her when i could have been getting to know her again. still thinking a lot. but atleast starting to figure a couple of things out. but still pretty lost. in a pretty good mood right now, dont know why. i think the convo was really good. lately ive been kinda acting a little different i think im afraid to piss some people off, so im trying to just kinda go under the radar. probably doesnt make sense.
and then when you think things are going good and getting better with someone and then you realize how stupid you were to think that things were gonna change, they never do. but im things are how i thought theyd be but hoped they wouldnt. wow im really not in a good mood anymore. but thats it for now.
bry

eh

Sun, 13 Mar 2005 02:24:18 GMT

not really in too good of a mood right now. kinda feel like crying right now. dunno why nothing happened. but i just do. prolly cuz im a pansy right. so today i did absolutely nothing, which is pretty normal for me. woke up around 12 then fought with my mom for a while. i hate days like today. and tom. probably not doing anything again. soo that'l be fun. been doing a lot of thinking lately. kinda trying to figure some stuff out. not really working. been thinking about doing some stuff lately too, but i dont know. im kinda confused about some stuff. and im afraid of how a few things are gonna end up. i dont see them going the way id hoped or even just staying the same. i can only see them getting worse, which scares me. but ill stop there.

bry

how much of this am i
supposed to be abl to take?

very bored

Sat, 12 Mar 2005 21:29:42 GMT

so this is hopefully the first of many entries. i doubt there will be too many people reading this stuff so itl probably be pretty personal. todays going by realllly slow. i dont really have anything to write right now. so ill write more when something comes up. til then bye
bry

this too shall pass